Crutch

This is as honest as a poet can get

And some of these things you may find to be a bit much

But I can't keep lying and claim to be with my heart in touch

I have allowed myself to be touched too much

Giving myself over on out of town trips or in town flings

Baby daddy sex means nothing

See I keep saying I want to be in love but I live with lust

That disconnected being

Doesn't care about anything

Fornication isn't in my vocabulary 

And cheating is a defined casuality

Of any woman expecting to be loved singularly

My  thinking is so messed up

Cause I have allowed myself to be touched to much

I have enjoyed the moment in it's duration

But even my body has an anger towards penetration

Cause I bleed at the thought of the sensation

Yet I give in to the notion

Not that sex equals love

But sex equals living

Pastors, keep your opinion cause your sermons of this being sinning

Is meaningless to me

I'd  rather be alive in hell than pretending to be feeling

Cause I have allowed myself to be touched to much

The faces are not a blur

and they are not nameless

And I fight the urge to allow my panties to be famous

But who can remain blameless

And I could act like I got my shit together and be shameless

But this is a cry out in pain

I despise every man that has laid with me

Cause calls back don't happen

No real change in staus, it's more of a let's just see what happens

Had babies with men that treat me like the whore they have said I am

And I have put up with such

Cause I have allowed myself to be touched to much

This is a crutch

A fucking crutch

I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what did she do to me

That little broken girl that won't let me be

She never had the love of daddy

Never had the respect of any man

In her mind, they just want her to have sex with them

I pray at night she will no longer be angry and forgive

I pray for a her death so I can live

Damage so deeply it is a part of my soul

Will this go away before it's too late

Before I get old

If there ever was a Super hero

I hope he can see her behind this exterior that seems so bold

Cause I am in bondage of pain that is becoming a permanent crutch

Cause I have allowed myself to be touched too much....

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

...so I went out last night

So last night I experienced an English poet named Paula Varjack...she is very talented and she had CD's for sale...felt like home..:-)....yep...they where 5 Euros....they I went out to a club here called MC....it was different only in there were more men than women. It was cold and the women where half naked, you could tell who where the "it" men and women, and the music was bumping...get this though...there are sound police that walk around with a mic to see if the sound in the club is too loud...here you can smoke when you are young and drink at 18...like it is okay...they even have Red Light districts.....it's so open in those things that we shunn yet so closed in it's thinking.....interesting

....I am here

Hello family,

I am writing you from Leuven, Belgium....It is still so surreal to say that. I am so thankful at what I have experienced thus far. So that you know, I travel for 16 hours....3 trains and two planes...lol. I have enjoyed the experiences thus far. I have met some pretty awesome people and have seen somethings that are quite interesting. Like in Finland, they have an airline called BLUE 1, and the restroom is called WC (water closet)....and in the Belgium airport, the bathrooms have doors from floor to ceiling so men and women can go into the same bathroom together and it is no big deal.

On to some Blu Truth......

I am so excited to be here, and yet I understand that this is monumental to my own success. I am not trying to pave a way, the way was already made otherwise I would not be here. All the amazing women from my mother to Harriet Tubman all lived their lives in a manner that made me believe that where I am right now is not a fluke or a mistake. This was by design in the tapestry of God. I had to do my part and change my thinking when it came to those things that are possible in my own life. I have upset some people, offended some people, and have been told everything from that I am selfish to I don't love my children. Someone told me that the people crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones that do it. I am guessing with how I see myself in doing this poetry and spoken word is something outside of the box that doesn't really exist. In ideal world, I wouldn't have to worry about my children being separated because one of my baby daddy's wanted to throw his weight around when I left, my son wouldn't be in a position to be made to have to deal with that man's ignorance, my children would have no doubts that I love them and that my actions are not designed to bring them stress, that I do love this man even though I don't think he feels the same way, and that above all others would see the big picture. We don't live in an ideal world, and I don't know if my big picture matters to anyone but me, but it matters. Because it matters to me, eventually...everyone who is really for me and loves me will see it too. Until they...I have to keep working on my big picture just like you have to yours.

You will have those moments like I did....I received a call  that made me not want to get on the plane, because the person who was going to be there for my children found something better to do. Truthfully, I have continually made the mistake of trusting the unworthy because I have some things to work out. Just like I know that I am suppose to be here, things worked out there....so now I am working. Sitting here writing you, working on pieces, and adjusting to a new sleep schedule with a slightly swollen eye due to a fight with a Belgium mosquito...I lost...lol....but I am smiling. I will keep you updated on everything. Videos will be uploaded...we are about to have some serious fun..

Peace & Love
~Blu

Arrogant Moment.....

I HATE LIARS!!!! You told me I wasn't about anything, would be anything, would do anything, wouldn't have anything and me having 6 children would keep me from being wanted. You told me unless I had a flat stomach I wouldn't be sexy. You told me if I did have unblemished skin everyone would see me as tarnished. You told me if I didn't spit a poem to your approval that I would never be a great poet....YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO LIE.....you could have just told me the truth...the real reason you wanted to keep me down was because you saw me passing you...out lasting you...out doing what you claim is your calling because the only thing you are good at is stalling....Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to me....I am the shit and you are the fly that can't leave me....shoo fly and don't bother me...peace

I Want You-Performed in Longview, TX at Love Lounge

I performed this in Longview, TX at the Love Lounge

Fear of Success

Superwoman

I woke up this morning and after being a mother for almost 16 years the reality of that I am the the consistent parent in my children's live. I am the one responsible for their well being...mentally,spiritually,emotionally, and physically. It is not to say that the dad isn't around from time to time, but they have lives that don't revolve around the children, but mine do. I have been working everyday since Wednesday and still have to get the children set in school, have a sick 1 yr old, work on my career, and do it all with a smile...See I am way more than a poet...I am a mother...a single one  with six children at that...and I am learning to master this so I can help other mother's not be dependent on anyone outside themselves. WE CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!

Peace & Love
~X Blu Rayne

National Poetry Awards 2nd year....

I had an opportunity to live a dream that birthed other dreams within my soul. I was honored to be allowed to co-host the National Poetry Awards with Michael Guinn (Dallas, TX). Troy Poet Lewis is the visionary behind the NPAs and has given all poet, authors, spoken word artist, and slammers a place to be recognized for all their hard work that they do throughout the year.

For me, there were personal victories, encounters with some amazing people, and an "awakening" within my own spirit...in the next coming weeks I will speak in more detail as to why this weekend was so profound and the continual effects it has on me. The one thing I will say is that I celebrate during a time I would have otherwise cried....August 22 is the anniversary of my grandmother's passing....This year marked the second year she has been gone....I know that she was in great spirits watching me do what it is I am suppose to do. Be poetry. I am so grateful to everyone who made my weekend a celebration rather than a memorial service...

Me and my grandmother both thank you

Peace & Love
~Blu

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

Blu Life....the CD

I have been holding on to these tracks for over a year...waiting...for what I am not sure, but I am sure now is the time to release them. There are 8 tracks, symbolic of the new beginning that has occurred with me as of late. These tracks are about my life....they aren't theatrical...I don't use extensive word play....I just speak my words. These are the first tracks I ever recorded....not in a studio, but in a hotel room in a make shift "studio". I hope you enjoy this CD and thank you for your support.....

Go to http://xblurayne.bandcamp.com/ to check it out....thank you again.....

Peace & Love
~Blu

The real baby daddy

See I was doing my baby daddy

When he came to me asking for these goodies

I gave it up gladly

Never would I withhold my threshold

He comes around monthly and I fold

Give me everything I needed seemingly for free

All he wanted to do is have his way with me

In every room of the house the he provided for me and my seeds

Goes in my kitchen

Because he is the reason I can turn on my light switches

Fixes himself a sandwich in which he paid for

Has the key to my front door

Rear ends me until I get sore

And every month I was looking for more

More assistance

Because I thought without him I could not live with

I mean he gives me cash on the 5th

Food on the 18th,

If I left his what would people think?

They would think I was crazy

Housing partially paid for, day care covered

What did it matter that he wanted to get under my covers

Do me monthly like his does others

This nigga was so cold he was doing me and my mother

The crazy thing was when I realized he also does brothers

Becoming their monthly lover

When they don't want to do anything but live with their mother

Gives new meaning when you ask if brothers are under cover

And under my covers he came and we came

And I had come to realize that he had done me so good

That he wrote his name

On the foreheads of my unborn children

Guaranteeing that my seed

Would become his next bedmate

When I saw his name

EBT, Food Stamps, Unemployment, Section 8,

Medicaid, TANF, and Minimum wage

I knew it was time to leave his place

Knew it was time to erase his stains from my sheets

No longer did he have right to touch me

No longer would he be able to do me

Over

Have me bending over

Lying on my applications

About my current situations

No more fear here of getting better and losing him

Cause I rather have an honest struggle

Than a lie free and clear

I am grateful for the times he helped me when I had no dreams

Times he appealed to my needs and seemingly got me everything

Now I know that until I become everything to me

With all the things he can get me I still have nothing

And I am done with having nothing to show

Cause I won't grow

And I'm done tripping

Off chicks that are messing him too

Cause just as he has treated me

He will treat you 

So you can have him

With better I will make due

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

My One Sheet

Today is your day

How did you wake this morning? Did you wake up with hope for a beautiful day or dread? You determine the flow of the day by what you think and what you say to yourself in the mirror. Speak life, love, and happiness to your spirit every morning.... remember that today is your day......make it how you see it to be....make it the best day you ever had...don't worry about tomorrow or be concerned over yesterday....look to today...smile....hug yourself....you are just that amazing....:-)

Peace & Love
~Blu

Above all others

I was almost that woman. Not the woman who goes for what she wants in business....that is me. Not the one who works to ensure her family's success....that is me. No...I almost joined the elite community of women who excuse the behaviors of the man in her life to not have to be alone...a man who isn't just hers, but seemingly puts her above all others.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when it is firstly ourselves we deceive. Telling ourselves that even though he is dogging us, he is like playing her...same thing ladies...same thing. I have no desire to be above all others, cause there should be no one in his sights but me. I think every woman deserves the right to be loved solo by one man who only sees, wants, and desires her. If he can talk to you, Sally, and Melondie....you are not the one, two, or three. Time to have some standards for ourselves. It is impossible to require someone to be good to you when you don't treat yourself right. And let's be clear. I am not speaking on material things. I know abusers that lace their women...so buying yourself things is not the focus...it's doing for yourself what makes you smile...feel good. If there is a thing attached to it, like getting your nails done or going to a movie, then do it. But don't look the the things by itself to make you happy.

If you are the woman who is happy just being with a man that is happy have you at the top of a food chain, please understand you are the one that is starving. You are the one that is dying....time to get off the bus Rosa (in my Madea voice). Leave that man to him mayhem. Leave them women to fight over scraps. Become whole within yourself and get you a whole person that love all of your completely...cause you should have that. No longer shall we be above all others....hard to do when you are an original......

I am not a man

I am not sure if you have really looked at me, but if you haven't noticed.....I am not a man. I can play Rainbow 6, love football, can change a flat, and have a mean right hook, but I am not a man. I can work a job, pay bills, take out the trash, and raise sons solo if need be, but I am not a man.

And I don't want to be.......

I love being a woman, I love my natural strength to raise a family and help a man meet God and his potential. I have no desire to be Ms. Independent. That is not me. I refuse to be the poster child for successful single mothers. I am not saying that any of that is wrong, but I desire to represent what is right. A family with two parents. A woman being successful and supported by her husband. I think a beautiful thing happen when a man is a man and a woman is a woman. When we have to assume roles and positions that aren't meant for us to have, we have stress and the need to have outlets for it. In creeps in drinking, smoking, drug use, irresponsible sexual practices, suicide, homicide, and the destruction of a people.  

I know that I am speak in ideal terms and we don't live in a generally ideal world. But look at how you have been....is it really working for you? Have you lost yourself in it at all. I mean basic things like doing your hair, getting a nice lotion, taking pride in your natural God given femininity. I have seen beautiful woman take on a very manly appearance and blame life. The unfortunate truth is that unknowingly, you have allowed yourself to do this to you.

As long as you are living, you can change, grow, and be. I encourage every woman to love herself. The men and children can't be strong, productive, or progressive if we lose us. It may seem minimal, but do your hair, get some nice smelling soap, find your spiritual aroma and your divine fragrance.....

Peace & Love
~Blu