I remember being 7 years old sitting in a courtroom having to testify against the man who kidnapped and raped me. I was too young to know the words, penis, vagina, sex, anal, oral, masturbation, but they were all implanted in my conscious due to an act that was unwanted and unnecessary. I could not fathom, with my seven year old mind, why all of this was happening. The crazy thing is that no one really explained to me how bad the action was.
No one really said to me, Cynthia, he was not suppose to rape you.....
Every one's life went on as normal and my was forever changed. Grown men looking up my skirt during a friendly game of Twister was not abnormal. Me being fingered in the church van while giving a hand job seemed normal. There was no stopper placed in front of my young developing mind to correct the seed of sex being an involuntary act. Even when I got older, sex was meaningless. I had no morale when it came to it cause none was placed in me. My community, my beautiful black Christian community did nothing but judge me after baby number one came. Made me stand in front of a congregation that knew my story, and yet still has the audacity to call me fast, a whore, slut, and they were doing the same thing....the just killed the evidence....
So here I am...33...6 children....4 fathers.....none of whom I am with....and I get looked at crazy. Am I proud to have had such an unstable teaching of sex that I had multiple sex partners and gave birth to multiple children whom fathers didn't want to raise them with their mother...no.....Am I proud that I made piss poor decisions when it cam to relationships....no....Am I proud that I will, even now, have a self destructive thought of just sleeping with someone....no.
I will tell you what I am proud of, the fact I have made the decision to heal. I did not do this through a local community center, a church, or support group. I did it because a man in a gray jogging suit decided to talk to me about me. His interest in me made me interested in me. Not the me that was rooted in my circumstances, but the the me God created me to be. He took time to look into Cynthia, which made me look into Cynthia. I saw the hurt, the pain, the disappointments, the damage.....but I also saw the potential beauty, the love, the peace, the happiness. Everything that I needed to be me was already there.
For all the wonderful men who have women in their lives who have been abused sexually, understand that she has cracks in her heart. The natural order of what is supposed to be when it comes to intimate relationships was damaged ...unfortunately her attacker may look like you ...a man...a black man...a man who she should have been able to trust. You have taken on a task the weak and unaware aren't able to deal with because it takes a heart to help heal one. She may lash out, you may not be able to touch her a certain way, she may not like certain things, she may go months without touching you, she might be insecure, might cry, might accuse you , might hate you...she might hurt you.... For all of us I want to apologize to you. Love is the one gift we all have to give, yet a damaged heart may be limited, but as it heals...it will get better. I will never suggest to allow her to abuse you, that just justifies her pain and she doesn't need that. I will say just understand and realize that as she is not a car...you can't fix her, but you can help her to heal.
Thank you gray suit...:-)
Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved
No one really said to me, Cynthia, he was not suppose to rape you.....
Every one's life went on as normal and my was forever changed. Grown men looking up my skirt during a friendly game of Twister was not abnormal. Me being fingered in the church van while giving a hand job seemed normal. There was no stopper placed in front of my young developing mind to correct the seed of sex being an involuntary act. Even when I got older, sex was meaningless. I had no morale when it came to it cause none was placed in me. My community, my beautiful black Christian community did nothing but judge me after baby number one came. Made me stand in front of a congregation that knew my story, and yet still has the audacity to call me fast, a whore, slut, and they were doing the same thing....the just killed the evidence....
So here I am...33...6 children....4 fathers.....none of whom I am with....and I get looked at crazy. Am I proud to have had such an unstable teaching of sex that I had multiple sex partners and gave birth to multiple children whom fathers didn't want to raise them with their mother...no.....Am I proud that I made piss poor decisions when it cam to relationships....no....Am I proud that I will, even now, have a self destructive thought of just sleeping with someone....no.
I will tell you what I am proud of, the fact I have made the decision to heal. I did not do this through a local community center, a church, or support group. I did it because a man in a gray jogging suit decided to talk to me about me. His interest in me made me interested in me. Not the me that was rooted in my circumstances, but the the me God created me to be. He took time to look into Cynthia, which made me look into Cynthia. I saw the hurt, the pain, the disappointments, the damage.....but I also saw the potential beauty, the love, the peace, the happiness. Everything that I needed to be me was already there.
For all the wonderful men who have women in their lives who have been abused sexually, understand that she has cracks in her heart. The natural order of what is supposed to be when it comes to intimate relationships was damaged ...unfortunately her attacker may look like you ...a man...a black man...a man who she should have been able to trust. You have taken on a task the weak and unaware aren't able to deal with because it takes a heart to help heal one. She may lash out, you may not be able to touch her a certain way, she may not like certain things, she may go months without touching you, she might be insecure, might cry, might accuse you , might hate you...she might hurt you.... For all of us I want to apologize to you. Love is the one gift we all have to give, yet a damaged heart may be limited, but as it heals...it will get better. I will never suggest to allow her to abuse you, that just justifies her pain and she doesn't need that. I will say just understand and realize that as she is not a car...you can't fix her, but you can help her to heal.
Thank you gray suit...:-)
Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved
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