Why not so Blu

Imagine living your life for years in fear. Imagine losing everything that you loved and needed. Imagine having to start and start a new. Imagine finding out that in what was an almost unbearable situation you found the most important thing in the world…you. That was and is me. In the midst of the most painful time in my life, something beautiful started to arise in me, my true SELF. That me that is perfect and flawless because that is me made by God. 

This story starts, as most stories start for a woman, with a man. One that I loved, but did not love me. One who feel in love with the idea of fixing my circumstances, but ignored me. Since the age of 18, I have been a mom. I will be a mom and eventually a grandmother, but that is an aspect of the woman I am. I am a woman who is a survivor of domestic violence, rape, ridicule, humiliation, and made decisions with permanent consequences. So for any man, to think that loving the mother was loving me, the relationship was doomed from the start.

When I think back to that beginning, I had more based on what my standards of having was at that time. I had a townhouse, job, and car. I also had a church home and now, a man who wanted it all. As many people do, he changed his mind and ended the relationship. After I had fallen in love with him, after the children had decided to call him daddy, after he had professed a new found commitment, he wanted something else.

So here I am. At the time of the breakup, we where living in a hotel, homeless. I had just given birth to a baby boy, his son and could not work. So what Santa brought me Christmas of 2009 was a realization that I was homeless with six children, one being 2 weeks old, no job, no car, no money, and now….no man. I can say with unmitigated gall and pride that I am so very proud of myself. Because I had to go through her to get to me and she refused to die. My break up was the Facebook latest event. His pictures went from the new baby to the new woman, and they, for the sake of argument, was happily ever after. I was broken. My children where broken. He continually validated his reasoning when his actions told us they were lies…so I started to write. I wrote every tear I cried. I wrote every lie he told. I wrote the revelation that they had played me. Friended a woman, by his encouragement, that he left me for. All I could do was write.

We are both poets, so to say that I would have had to see him at poetry sets was a fact. The group of people was small, so every knew or at least I felt like they did. So what did I do, what would you do? I did the only thing my spirit knew to do. I did the only thing that my SELF would allow me to do, I created. I birth my own platform, S.W.A.U. . Spoken Word Addicts Unleashed was birthed into this world January 10, 2010. It is a platform for spoken word artist and poets, but it was made for me to heal me. I created my own saving grace and did not realize that it would later turn me on to my purpose.

There were issues with S.W.A.U., and some where self inflicted. Out of desperation, I allowed my ex to be apart of my platform. Which means she came, so I take responsibility for allowing myself to put me before SELF. That was painful to watch, but I thought it would help me get over things, but we all know that it backfires every time. You can’t tell God how to fix you. If I had been in the habit of giving myself the best, he would not have factored into the equation. I was not handling funds correctly, not being responsible, had to cancel big shows, and eventually, S.W.A.U. stopped becoming a venue and stayed on a piece of paper. 

There is an understanding that if the head is not right, the body is as well. My head was not right. I was still caught up in habits and thoughts that did not give the best to me. I had to come to terms with devastating events in my life; being raped at 6, in an abusive relationship for 7 years, and not having a relationship with any man before 2009 who I did not give myself to physically to feel loved. I had to come to terms with me. I remember looking in the mirror and asking myself who am I and why am I so blue? I was already doing poetry so I had a name, Blu Rayne. I was not sure why I picked it, but it felt right. Sometime between January 2010 and May 2010, things changed within me. It was not known to me as it is now, but my spirit knew that transformation was taking place. I was on the path to making my mark in the world. Finding that place that was created for me to occupy before the beginning of time marked with my “X”. Thus, X Blu Rayne was born…

Now the head is right. On track of understanding who I am, a woman , and what I am, a phenom. More importantly, what I am created and designed to do…heal and renew people’s spirits with the power and gift of words. The beauty is that I already have all the tools that I need to start and with every step I take, doors will be open, connections will be made, and destiny will be fulfilled. January 2010, 01-10 was the first show of the first year. February 2010, 02-20, will be the first show of the second year. Thank God for second chances. 

Guess what, I am without my own home, still do not have a job, still do not have a car, but I have the new perception that I can have all that and then some. That I deserve all that and then some. And if you are wondering, still no man; not yet. Cause “he” deserves a complete woman, and I will be that which I am believing in my heart is what I deserve in a relationship. I love myself as I want him to love me…completely past my flaws to my SELF. Don’t feel sorry for me and don’t think “POOR BLU.” I love parties, but always uninvited myself from the pity ones. I am a testimony of how we can live again. After a break up, after losing everything that keeps us together, and after what we thought to be will not be so, we can still choose to wake up daily. I have smiled with tears running down my cheeks, but I smiled. I laughed with a heavy heart, but I laughed. And what I found was the more I smiled, the less the tears flowed. The more I laughed the lighter my heart became. The more I love me, the more my skies become…blue. 

So when you feel like you can’t make it and that nothing will get better

Think of me

When you feel like giving up

Wait and see

That the best is yet to come

Until you give the best to you…alll not just some

Cause this life is what you make it

And God only wants to give good to you, so go take it

And if someone says how dare you

Ask them why are they not so blu?

Peace and Blessings to you all

~Blu

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved