From one single mother to another

I am a single mother and realized single motherhood has nothing to do with the absence of a man, but the inadequate impact of one. You can be married and still be a single mother. If the responsibility of the children are all on you, and he walks around pounding his chest being the “bill payer”, then you are a single mother. Parenthood is about partnership and working together, but I am finding that there is a great majority of men who want the swag of family, the boast ability of having amazing children, and the ability to punch in daily part time. Who fault is this…ladies it is ours. We have allowed ourselves to mate with baby boys and expect then to be men. This is on our heads, so what are you going to do single mommy.

If you are married, hopefully his desire to commit to you will mean that he has concern for the success of the family and understand that you are a huge part of the success and flow of the family. For the rest of you who are living with the “baby daddy”, if he has not shown you that he is willing or able to be a part in parenting, you have to accept his limitations and be willing to do the work to make up for the slack. I am going to offer you some things that you need to do in order to get your life in order to give the best to yourself and your children every day.

                         *Accept that you are a single mother*

There is a sometimes negative association with being a single mother. I hear too many times that a woman can’t do it without a man, well if that was a mentality that men actually had in a larger number, we would have more parents and less single mothers. A single mother is one singular in the active role she has in the child/children’s life.

                    *Drop ALL expectations of him to do ANYTHING*

When I say all, I mean ALL. If all he has been is a check, look for that to stop. If he sees the children when it is convenient, look to have to explain why he is not there. IF he has issues with watching them when you need to do things, look for a babysitter. I understand that you didn’t make then by yourself, but you choose to have a child/children with a man that was not committed to you or a man that has shown his commitment is limited if existent at all when it comes to the child/children.

                         *Organize your life according to what you do*

This is the day you stop making plans based on his participation, assistance, or input. You want him around, I get it. The children want to see him, I understand. My question is why do you leave yourself and your child/children open to hurt. If you are honest, you want him around more than the children do…STOP IT TODAY. You can and will make it without him. You will raise amazing beautiful children without his help. You may have to miss some out time, but you can replace that with family time. You may have to stay up later and get up earlier, but remember you chose this job, and the reward of seeing your child smile when you tuck them in or hear the thank yous and I loves yous for cooking for them and spending time with them is worth it.

                            *Look at all your resources and use them* 

There are SO many agencies and programs out there to help you do better for your children and give more to them. From W.I.C.  to Medicaid, there are resources out there that can help to makeup for any financial support he is not giving. I know that some of you can’t receive benefits because of your income, but there are churches and agencies that can and will help. You have to do the work to find them. Do not let pride or embarrassment keep you from seeking these places out. Sometimes even Superwoman needs, why do you think there was a team of Marvel heroes. It does take a village to raise a child, find out who is in your village and remember to be apart of the village and not just take from it.

I will be periodically speaking on this because I live it. I am a single mother of 6 amazing children. I have had to come to the truth of the decisions that I have made that have gotten me here. I am hoping to help you as a single mother with actual tools and real talk from one single mother to another.

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved