Above all others

I was almost that woman. Not the woman who goes for what she wants in business....that is me. Not the one who works to ensure her family's success....that is me. No...I almost joined the elite community of women who excuse the behaviors of the man in her life to not have to be alone...a man who isn't just hers, but seemingly puts her above all others.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when it is firstly ourselves we deceive. Telling ourselves that even though he is dogging us, he is like playing her...same thing ladies...same thing. I have no desire to be above all others, cause there should be no one in his sights but me. I think every woman deserves the right to be loved solo by one man who only sees, wants, and desires her. If he can talk to you, Sally, and Melondie....you are not the one, two, or three. Time to have some standards for ourselves. It is impossible to require someone to be good to you when you don't treat yourself right. And let's be clear. I am not speaking on material things. I know abusers that lace their women...so buying yourself things is not the focus...it's doing for yourself what makes you smile...feel good. If there is a thing attached to it, like getting your nails done or going to a movie, then do it. But don't look the the things by itself to make you happy.

If you are the woman who is happy just being with a man that is happy have you at the top of a food chain, please understand you are the one that is starving. You are the one that is dying....time to get off the bus Rosa (in my Madea voice). Leave that man to him mayhem. Leave them women to fight over scraps. Become whole within yourself and get you a whole person that love all of your completely...cause you should have that. No longer shall we be above all others....hard to do when you are an original......

I am not a man

I am not sure if you have really looked at me, but if you haven't noticed.....I am not a man. I can play Rainbow 6, love football, can change a flat, and have a mean right hook, but I am not a man. I can work a job, pay bills, take out the trash, and raise sons solo if need be, but I am not a man.

And I don't want to be.......

I love being a woman, I love my natural strength to raise a family and help a man meet God and his potential. I have no desire to be Ms. Independent. That is not me. I refuse to be the poster child for successful single mothers. I am not saying that any of that is wrong, but I desire to represent what is right. A family with two parents. A woman being successful and supported by her husband. I think a beautiful thing happen when a man is a man and a woman is a woman. When we have to assume roles and positions that aren't meant for us to have, we have stress and the need to have outlets for it. In creeps in drinking, smoking, drug use, irresponsible sexual practices, suicide, homicide, and the destruction of a people.  

I know that I am speak in ideal terms and we don't live in a generally ideal world. But look at how you have been....is it really working for you? Have you lost yourself in it at all. I mean basic things like doing your hair, getting a nice lotion, taking pride in your natural God given femininity. I have seen beautiful woman take on a very manly appearance and blame life. The unfortunate truth is that unknowingly, you have allowed yourself to do this to you.

As long as you are living, you can change, grow, and be. I encourage every woman to love herself. The men and children can't be strong, productive, or progressive if we lose us. It may seem minimal, but do your hair, get some nice smelling soap, find your spiritual aroma and your divine fragrance.....

Peace & Love
~Blu

Why not so Blu

Imagine living your life for years in fear. Imagine losing everything that you loved and needed. Imagine having to start and start a new. Imagine finding out that in what was an almost unbearable situation you found the most important thing in the world…you. That was and is me. In the midst of the most painful time in my life, something beautiful started to arise in me, my true SELF. That me that is perfect and flawless because that is me made by God. 

This story starts, as most stories start for a woman, with a man. One that I loved, but did not love me. One who feel in love with the idea of fixing my circumstances, but ignored me. Since the age of 18, I have been a mom. I will be a mom and eventually a grandmother, but that is an aspect of the woman I am. I am a woman who is a survivor of domestic violence, rape, ridicule, humiliation, and made decisions with permanent consequences. So for any man, to think that loving the mother was loving me, the relationship was doomed from the start.

When I think back to that beginning, I had more based on what my standards of having was at that time. I had a townhouse, job, and car. I also had a church home and now, a man who wanted it all. As many people do, he changed his mind and ended the relationship. After I had fallen in love with him, after the children had decided to call him daddy, after he had professed a new found commitment, he wanted something else.

So here I am. At the time of the breakup, we where living in a hotel, homeless. I had just given birth to a baby boy, his son and could not work. So what Santa brought me Christmas of 2009 was a realization that I was homeless with six children, one being 2 weeks old, no job, no car, no money, and now….no man. I can say with unmitigated gall and pride that I am so very proud of myself. Because I had to go through her to get to me and she refused to die. My break up was the Facebook latest event. His pictures went from the new baby to the new woman, and they, for the sake of argument, was happily ever after. I was broken. My children where broken. He continually validated his reasoning when his actions told us they were lies…so I started to write. I wrote every tear I cried. I wrote every lie he told. I wrote the revelation that they had played me. Friended a woman, by his encouragement, that he left me for. All I could do was write.

We are both poets, so to say that I would have had to see him at poetry sets was a fact. The group of people was small, so every knew or at least I felt like they did. So what did I do, what would you do? I did the only thing my spirit knew to do. I did the only thing that my SELF would allow me to do, I created. I birth my own platform, S.W.A.U. . Spoken Word Addicts Unleashed was birthed into this world January 10, 2010. It is a platform for spoken word artist and poets, but it was made for me to heal me. I created my own saving grace and did not realize that it would later turn me on to my purpose.

There were issues with S.W.A.U., and some where self inflicted. Out of desperation, I allowed my ex to be apart of my platform. Which means she came, so I take responsibility for allowing myself to put me before SELF. That was painful to watch, but I thought it would help me get over things, but we all know that it backfires every time. You can’t tell God how to fix you. If I had been in the habit of giving myself the best, he would not have factored into the equation. I was not handling funds correctly, not being responsible, had to cancel big shows, and eventually, S.W.A.U. stopped becoming a venue and stayed on a piece of paper. 

There is an understanding that if the head is not right, the body is as well. My head was not right. I was still caught up in habits and thoughts that did not give the best to me. I had to come to terms with devastating events in my life; being raped at 6, in an abusive relationship for 7 years, and not having a relationship with any man before 2009 who I did not give myself to physically to feel loved. I had to come to terms with me. I remember looking in the mirror and asking myself who am I and why am I so blue? I was already doing poetry so I had a name, Blu Rayne. I was not sure why I picked it, but it felt right. Sometime between January 2010 and May 2010, things changed within me. It was not known to me as it is now, but my spirit knew that transformation was taking place. I was on the path to making my mark in the world. Finding that place that was created for me to occupy before the beginning of time marked with my “X”. Thus, X Blu Rayne was born…

Now the head is right. On track of understanding who I am, a woman , and what I am, a phenom. More importantly, what I am created and designed to do…heal and renew people’s spirits with the power and gift of words. The beauty is that I already have all the tools that I need to start and with every step I take, doors will be open, connections will be made, and destiny will be fulfilled. January 2010, 01-10 was the first show of the first year. February 2010, 02-20, will be the first show of the second year. Thank God for second chances. 

Guess what, I am without my own home, still do not have a job, still do not have a car, but I have the new perception that I can have all that and then some. That I deserve all that and then some. And if you are wondering, still no man; not yet. Cause “he” deserves a complete woman, and I will be that which I am believing in my heart is what I deserve in a relationship. I love myself as I want him to love me…completely past my flaws to my SELF. Don’t feel sorry for me and don’t think “POOR BLU.” I love parties, but always uninvited myself from the pity ones. I am a testimony of how we can live again. After a break up, after losing everything that keeps us together, and after what we thought to be will not be so, we can still choose to wake up daily. I have smiled with tears running down my cheeks, but I smiled. I laughed with a heavy heart, but I laughed. And what I found was the more I smiled, the less the tears flowed. The more I laughed the lighter my heart became. The more I love me, the more my skies become…blue. 

So when you feel like you can’t make it and that nothing will get better

Think of me

When you feel like giving up

Wait and see

That the best is yet to come

Until you give the best to you…alll not just some

Cause this life is what you make it

And God only wants to give good to you, so go take it

And if someone says how dare you

Ask them why are they not so blu?

Peace and Blessings to you all

~Blu

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

From one single mother to another

I am a single mother and realized single motherhood has nothing to do with the absence of a man, but the inadequate impact of one. You can be married and still be a single mother. If the responsibility of the children are all on you, and he walks around pounding his chest being the “bill payer”, then you are a single mother. Parenthood is about partnership and working together, but I am finding that there is a great majority of men who want the swag of family, the boast ability of having amazing children, and the ability to punch in daily part time. Who fault is this…ladies it is ours. We have allowed ourselves to mate with baby boys and expect then to be men. This is on our heads, so what are you going to do single mommy.

If you are married, hopefully his desire to commit to you will mean that he has concern for the success of the family and understand that you are a huge part of the success and flow of the family. For the rest of you who are living with the “baby daddy”, if he has not shown you that he is willing or able to be a part in parenting, you have to accept his limitations and be willing to do the work to make up for the slack. I am going to offer you some things that you need to do in order to get your life in order to give the best to yourself and your children every day.

                         *Accept that you are a single mother*

There is a sometimes negative association with being a single mother. I hear too many times that a woman can’t do it without a man, well if that was a mentality that men actually had in a larger number, we would have more parents and less single mothers. A single mother is one singular in the active role she has in the child/children’s life.

                    *Drop ALL expectations of him to do ANYTHING*

When I say all, I mean ALL. If all he has been is a check, look for that to stop. If he sees the children when it is convenient, look to have to explain why he is not there. IF he has issues with watching them when you need to do things, look for a babysitter. I understand that you didn’t make then by yourself, but you choose to have a child/children with a man that was not committed to you or a man that has shown his commitment is limited if existent at all when it comes to the child/children.

                         *Organize your life according to what you do*

This is the day you stop making plans based on his participation, assistance, or input. You want him around, I get it. The children want to see him, I understand. My question is why do you leave yourself and your child/children open to hurt. If you are honest, you want him around more than the children do…STOP IT TODAY. You can and will make it without him. You will raise amazing beautiful children without his help. You may have to miss some out time, but you can replace that with family time. You may have to stay up later and get up earlier, but remember you chose this job, and the reward of seeing your child smile when you tuck them in or hear the thank yous and I loves yous for cooking for them and spending time with them is worth it.

                            *Look at all your resources and use them* 

There are SO many agencies and programs out there to help you do better for your children and give more to them. From W.I.C.  to Medicaid, there are resources out there that can help to makeup for any financial support he is not giving. I know that some of you can’t receive benefits because of your income, but there are churches and agencies that can and will help. You have to do the work to find them. Do not let pride or embarrassment keep you from seeking these places out. Sometimes even Superwoman needs, why do you think there was a team of Marvel heroes. It does take a village to raise a child, find out who is in your village and remember to be apart of the village and not just take from it.

I will be periodically speaking on this because I live it. I am a single mother of 6 amazing children. I have had to come to the truth of the decisions that I have made that have gotten me here. I am hoping to help you as a single mother with actual tools and real talk from one single mother to another.

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

Never stop

There are some many things in life that occur. So many distractions that we can easily give energy to in order to excuse our decisions to not succeed. I know you may not believe this, but I pray that you do. YOU have the POWER to make your life whatever you want it to be. Whether you intetnionally make a decision, you make one. And I have ran into plenty of people that just let life "happen" when I was one of them. Letting things, people, and circumstances dictate my moment to moment and day to day....NO MORE........

I have decided to be that which is in me...a poet, graphic designer, speaker, mother, amazing black woman. I have decided to be it not just by my actions, but my energy, thought life, habits, patterns, smiles, laughter....everything that I am is now me.....and this is only the beginning.

Because now the challenge to be me comes....little things that would normally knock me off my square I kick over to the side. Then things get a little more umph.....I brush that off my shoulders.....and as I move and live through the things that come and continue despite of how I may feel at times....I grow. There is something about starting this process that is addictive.  Growth is addictive...productivity is addictive...cause you are constantly looking for that next high...that next step to that place to where you discover something else wonderful about you, about life, and about God.....

Never stop....I am sorry, but you really can't stop if you tried. You might even say you stopped...you didn't...you just slowed down. Our paces may vary...you will speed up at times, slow down, and even cruise.....but never stop. Keep pressing...your circumstances don't determine your power...your awareness power determines how you choose to view your circumstance.....

You think you have no power...who choose what you wore this morning, what you ate, which way you walked....You may say I have a job, but YOU chose to go to it. You may say I have a family, but YOU chose to engage them. You may say I have responsibilities, but YOU chose to recognize them.....

Never stop being about YOU.......

Peace & Love
~Blu

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

You Choose...the poem

If you treat him as king, he will become that.
If you treat him a royalty he will be that.
If you treat him as a dog, on your yard he will crap.
If you treat him as a homie lover friend, that tail he will tap.
If you treat his a a man, give him room to be.
If you treat him like husband and you have no commitment
Well, you are the one determining the end of that story
Cause while you bath in the glory of being his queen
You have no crown, no ring, nothing
There is nothing wrong with loving a man
Just stop treating him like he has full coverage insurance
When he hasn't purchased the plan.


Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

My Black is.....

My black is beautiful
Skin kissed by the sun
Energy flows through me freely
I am the answers to life questions
The keeper of life's secret
I am the truth that has yet to be unveiled
I hold the key to mysteries

My black is beautiful
From the thrones of Africa
To the streets of Harlem I reign supreme
From the blisters on over worked hands
To the scratches on praying knees
I am the life force to the earth's existence
You have to breathe me
To say that you are living

My black is beautiful
Natural
Kinky
Curly
Straight
Caramel
Chocolate
Honey
Butterscotch
All smooth to the taste
Short
Tall
Slim
Thick
I am a queen not to be played with

Cause I'm not playing taking care of a family
I'm not playing going after my dreams
I'm not playing living life daily with a smile
I'm not playing with life and am worth my weight in gold pound for pound

My black is beautiful
I am beautiful because I am black
Cause my black represents the greateness in me
And I will never apologize for that
Never apologize for God shining down on you
Cause after your storms
Love always shine threw
And makes the skin that you are in glow
So that the world will know
That a black woman is beatifiul
Lovely
Special
Funny
Humorous
Smart
I have been here from the start
Intelligent
Graceful
Loving
Tasteful
Isis
Mother Earth
See how beautiful my black is
I am X Blu Rayne and this is my word

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

You Choose...pt. 1

So recently I made a decision. I will not tell what it was except to say there is a missing marker in my life. We have cliches to justify what we do in order to minimize our acceptance and responsibility in matters, but I appreciate the strength to say.”I did it.”

There are very few events that occur in your life that someone else made you do. Whether you have a job you hate or in a relationship that is going no were, you are there in that place and in the moment because you choose to be. You complain, cry, kick, and scream, but faithfully go back to that which hurts you to your very soul. You interact with people who drain you, befriend men that will use you, and give all of you away then get mad when you have no return…..choices.

We have to stop blaming people for what we do. I am a single mother. No one made me have my children, I chose to. If it were up to the fathers, they would not be here….I made that decision. I did it. I am responsible for where I am in my life. I will not discount that things have happened to me out of my control, but I am an active contributor in my own present as well as my future.

That is the good part. The realization that I have influence over what I do even in situations that are not in my control. I control what I do, think, and feel in response to what the situation is. The situation does not control more. I also can control the people who come into my life and effect me. I can make moves and control what the universe brings into my life. See the pattern here…it all starts with you. What is it that you have done that you want to do again and better. You can have what you want out of life just make the decision to have it. Make a decision. Make a choice. You choose….

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

You choose...pt.2

I was sitting here thinking about all the times I smiled…like really smiled. Not a smile forced based on a circumstance like getting a gift, but a smile just because I am on this planet. The times I have smiled is when I have done for myself. Now don’t get me wrong, I love gifts, thoughts, kind gestures, and love…..all if that brings a smile to my face. But if those things are not happening I should still be smiling right?

So why do we place so much emphasis and responsibility on someone else for our own happiness. If around us are being mean, disrespectful, wilding out, or just being down on themselves, we let that make our day. Even when someone we love dies, we still have a choice on how we remember them. We can either allow grief to cripple us or celebrate the life and time we had with them. The choice is always and has been and forever will be yours.

Do you understand how much power that gives you? Yes you. Ah, but I get it…on the flip side of that power comes responsibility and accountability. Let’s face it, we are so much better at blaming others for our inability to progress, but that does nothing to make us better. So we stay in a cycle of continual disappointments and failures cause we have yet to understand that when it comes to our lives, we think ourselves into situations. 

…..cont

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

Trusting My Sistas

So I have an issue with trusting women. Most of y'all feel me as sistas. I will never say all sistas are trifling, but I do feel disagreeable with the sistas I have experienced. The crazy thing is that I know we have al been through something as women. We have all had it hard whether with family, friends, church, school, boyfriends, husbands; every black woman has a story. Yet because of my own stories I have a hrad time hearing the hearts of sistas who have hurt me. Not just the talking or lying to thing. I am talking about like helping to destroy me family or believing other people over me and then acting as though they have no remorse.
I know, logically speaking, that the majority of people, women, are hurting themselves. Also the intent is never really to cause pain, it is just a consequence of the action. It is amazing with all this logic I have, I can't trust them no further than I can see them. The worst part is, I have no problem ever speaking to them again nor do I understand the purpose of their existence. I know some of you think really ill of me right now. If you thought I was perfect, you are wrong. If you see me as a leader, I am not going for that position. I can only be the me I am right now. I can change and grow, we all can...it take a journey. I guess the first step is recognizing where you are.

I don't want to stay here and will be surrounding myself with positive sistas. I know no one is perfect. I have never expected perfection, just a basic common knowledge of the fact that we all go through something and it is vital to our success as women being able to work together to not be the cause of each others pain.

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

It is about you

*I come in peace*

How many times do we, women, put blame and shame on our heads when the man in our life leaves, cheats, or abuses us. We say that we must have done or said something to make him “change” (we will get back to this in a minute). That his behavior is a direct reflection of our character and value. I am about to share a summarizing of a conversation with someone whom I respect said to me. This statement is one that will redefine your mindset towards you if you choose to put this in your spirit. Are you ready??? Are you sure??? Cause understand, once you read this you are responsible for your own internal health, growth and well being….ok…..here it is???

“If a man cheats on me, abuses me, disrespects me, it has nothing to do with my value or character. I can only control me and what I do. I am not defined in his actions, but in how I respond to his actions. A man loves a woman. A man cherishes a woman. A man respects a woman. If I am understanding of my true woman value to God and man’s ability to connect to him, I can’t allow my SELF to fall prey to self deception. A boy plays games. A boy needs attention. A boy looks to be taken care of. I must accept my responsibility in exposing my SELF to such a behavior by not seeing the soul of the man. If a man does not love God, he cannot love me. If I do not love myself, I cannot receive love. I must be in love with my SELF, and then I will be trusted by my Creator to receive and recognize such a love that I am in deserving of.”

I know I just said a lot, so let us examine the core of where what we do in relationships start. The first question is clear, how much do you love you? I don’t know a sista that will not say she is keeping it real, that she is 100%, and that she loves herself cause she takes care of her needs. Really? You take care of SELF? Let me explain to you that when I say SELF, I am talking about that inner you, your spirit. I am talking about that you that is blameless, perfect, loving, care, honest, nurturing, giving, and perfect. I am talking about the you that doesn’t need to get her hair done every two weeks to define herself as beautiful. I am talking about the you that has a love of people that is genuine and radiants in their smile. I am talking about that you that has expectations form every black man you come in contact with to respect you, treasure your existence, and uphold your virtue that was stripped when Africa was raped and our queenship was reduced to breeder by the slave master. I am talking about a brother that is aware…awake. Have you been able to identify one as you have been reading this blog? I am sure you have been searching your history to see if you have come across such a person with such a value of a black woman. Unfortunately, the person you are looking for is not the individual you see every day in the mirror…and it should be you. 

You have to love your SELF. You have to value your SELF. You have to appreciate your SELF. In order to do that you have to study YOU. I have neglected me and my life shows it. I would not, if I was aware and loving me, made half of the mistakes that I have made. From personal to professional, my degree of value of me gave others permission to treat me as I treat myself. The creed “do unto others as you would have them to do unto you” and “love thy neighbor as thyself” must have a revision. It should be “do unto your SELF what God does for you so that you can love others and be loved by them” and “love thyself so that you can love and be loved by thy neighbor.” It all starts with SELF.

*I leave you as I came…in peace*

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

Time Traveler's Wife

I went into a store today for batteries and found one of my lost wants in a box staring right at me.  "The Time Traveler's Wife" came out in 2008, and I had wanted to go see it with my then boyfriend. I asked from the time it came out until the time it went to DVD, and all I received in his actions was no. He didn't want to see it with me. No matter how I expressed how I read the book and loved romantic movies, no matter how much I wanted to spend time with him, no matter how important it was to me....it didn't matter to him. So three years later and here I am with the movie in hand. Why? Because I really wanted to see the movie. I had tied so much into seeing it with him that I forgot the original desire had to strictly do with me.

Often times we make plans with people that we never see to completion because we tie it to someone else. We forget that originally, that was our own dream, but because they didn't see it, we aborted our process. I know you might be thinking, Blu, it is just a movie. To me it represents a thought process. One I have had so many times I am finding that I have a lot of unfinished business.

Go back to those places in your life where you have left unfinished business. If it was tied to the individual, let it go. If you find it originated from you and you still want to do it...go for it. Whether it is a movie or a career move...it is time to do you....

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

Cracks in the heart

I remember being 7 years old sitting in a courtroom having to testify against the man who kidnapped and raped me. I was too young to know the words, penis, vagina, sex, anal, oral, masturbation, but they were all implanted in my conscious due to an act that was unwanted and unnecessary. I could not fathom, with my seven year old mind, why all of this was happening. The crazy thing is that no one really explained to me how bad the action was.

No one really said to me, Cynthia, he was not suppose to rape you.....

Every one's life went on as normal and my was forever changed. Grown men looking up my skirt during a friendly game of Twister was not abnormal. Me being fingered in the church van while giving a hand job seemed normal. There was no stopper placed in front of my young developing mind to correct the seed of sex being an involuntary act. Even when I got older, sex was meaningless. I had no morale when it came to it cause none was placed in me. My community, my beautiful black Christian community did nothing but judge me after baby number one came. Made me stand in front of a congregation that knew my story, and yet still has the audacity to call me fast, a whore, slut, and they were doing the same thing....the just killed the evidence....

So here I am...33...6 children....4 fathers.....none of whom I am with....and I get looked at crazy. Am I proud to have had such an unstable teaching of sex that I had multiple sex partners and gave birth to multiple children whom fathers didn't want to raise them with their mother...no.....Am I proud that I made piss poor decisions when it cam to relationships....no....Am I proud that I will, even now, have a self destructive thought of just sleeping with someone....no.

I will tell you what I am proud of, the fact I have made the decision to heal. I did not do this through a local community center, a church, or support group. I did it because a man in a gray jogging suit decided to talk to me about me. His interest in me made me interested in me. Not the me that was rooted in my circumstances, but the the me God created me to be. He took time to look into Cynthia, which made me look into Cynthia. I saw the hurt, the pain, the disappointments, the damage.....but I also saw the potential beauty, the love, the peace, the happiness. Everything that I needed to be me was already there.
For all the wonderful men who have women in their lives who have been abused sexually, understand that she has cracks in her heart. The natural order of what is supposed to be when it comes to intimate relationships was damaged ...unfortunately her attacker may look like you ...a man...a black man...a man who she should have been able to trust. You have taken on a task the weak and unaware aren't able to deal with because it takes a heart to help heal one. She may lash out, you may not be able to touch her a certain way, she may not like certain things, she may go months without touching you, she might be insecure, might cry, might accuse you , might hate you...she might hurt you.... For all of us I want to apologize to you. Love is the one gift we all have to give, yet a damaged heart may be limited, but as it heals...it will get better. I will never suggest to allow her to abuse you, that just justifies her pain and she doesn't need that. I will say just understand and realize that as she is not a car...you can't fix her, but you can help her to heal.
Thank you gray suit...:-)

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

Piece: Snow Salvation

Last night I talked to God in the snow

yes it was cold,

but my spirit felt bold

because I was not alone.

I started asking Him to show me His plan for my life

He replayed all of my misery and strife

I asked where are the good times

are they found in my rhymes

He told me to look down and I saw my reflection

He said you my child are my greatest perfection

I told Him no...I can't be I have lied and wanted to kill.

He said, but when you come to me on your knees you keep it real

I said but look at me six kids, four baby daddie's can't keep a man

God smiled at me and said I overstand

but this is my plan for you....this isn't about what you want

but what I have designed for you.

I said, but God how can my life have any real meaning

Is there really any depth to me

I try to get people to see me for who I really am

but find out they won't accept me

God then sat down in the snow

looked at me with wonder

He asked, do you remember what they did to your brother

I remembered before time even came

that my son would be slain

by the people I formed

like I knew you would be born

He told me being chosen is not a mistake

I chose X Blu Rayne because what is at stake

The people of this world that I chose to create

not for amusement but purpose

because when I see you I see me

and all of you are worth it

He stood up and walked over to me

told me that it breaks His heart to see me in pain

That is why He promised to put me back together again

it breaks it heart to see me played like a toy

That is why He promised me if I sow in tears, I will reap in joy

it breaks His heart that no man has declared me his good thing

That is why He promised me not just a husband, but a soulmate a King.

it breaks His heart when my faith is depleting

That is why He promised to answer the door when I am knocking and seeking

As I sit and write this piece I have tears in my eyes

because the hurt in my heart is still very much alive

but I understand that pain is evidence of living

and sometimes it will hurt, but I have to keep on giving.

Because this is calling on my life is my cross to bare

and my testimony of God's love I have to share

I don't do this for applause or standing ovation

This is my testimony, my snow salvation.

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