4 days left

I have been very busy these last few days. Did a slam, started a new book made so many calls to the US about future shows, sold CDs, and been writing so real thoughts and feelings. Oh yeah...a lot of pictures too. I said I needed to get away for awhile, and I am glad I did. I have learned so much here. On the other side of the world you are defined by where you come from first. There are Caucasians that consider themselves African because they come from Africa. Nationality is really key here in how you are seen and judged. I will say that there is silent prejudice that isn't as blatant as in the US as well as the views of women being the underclass, but the biggest factor is where you are from. So I am defined as American...not black first, but American...then African American...not black.

I will say this, the few Africa men I have talked to have some thoughts about us unifying races that is still very Martin Luther King. Malcolm's ideals are viewed as dangerous and destructive, and yet they had no idea what melanin was, they think they have to protect themselves front the sun, and that white people are superior and better. Most of the brothers date and have  children with Caucasians of prefer them for similar reasons as one gets in the states...except it is more about status than anything. America is considered the most evil nation on this planet and Obama has been paralleled to Hitler in wanting to destroy his own people.

This trip has been an eye opener and mind expanding for me. I have had time and quiet to really think about the things I have been doing in my life and  the things and people who don't need to be apart of it. I have made some selfish decisions and some out of a concern which came back in the end to benefit me. I have formed unhealthy relationships and have connections with people who are poisonous to my progression. I have to get me together...I have some serious grind work to do within my own soul....

I am not expecting it to all change immediately, but I am immediately moving myself to change. In 4 days I will be back on US soil....working harder and more effectively... resurrecting dreams and ideas that I had let fall because I was fearful of going at it alone...it's time to upgrade on my grind, upgrade in my find.....it's time

Crutch

This is as honest as a poet can get

And some of these things you may find to be a bit much

But I can't keep lying and claim to be with my heart in touch

I have allowed myself to be touched too much

Giving myself over on out of town trips or in town flings

Baby daddy sex means nothing

See I keep saying I want to be in love but I live with lust

That disconnected being

Doesn't care about anything

Fornication isn't in my vocabulary 

And cheating is a defined casuality

Of any woman expecting to be loved singularly

My  thinking is so messed up

Cause I have allowed myself to be touched to much

I have enjoyed the moment in it's duration

But even my body has an anger towards penetration

Cause I bleed at the thought of the sensation

Yet I give in to the notion

Not that sex equals love

But sex equals living

Pastors, keep your opinion cause your sermons of this being sinning

Is meaningless to me

I'd  rather be alive in hell than pretending to be feeling

Cause I have allowed myself to be touched to much

The faces are not a blur

and they are not nameless

And I fight the urge to allow my panties to be famous

But who can remain blameless

And I could act like I got my shit together and be shameless

But this is a cry out in pain

I despise every man that has laid with me

Cause calls back don't happen

No real change in staus, it's more of a let's just see what happens

Had babies with men that treat me like the whore they have said I am

And I have put up with such

Cause I have allowed myself to be touched to much

This is a crutch

A fucking crutch

I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what did she do to me

That little broken girl that won't let me be

She never had the love of daddy

Never had the respect of any man

In her mind, they just want her to have sex with them

I pray at night she will no longer be angry and forgive

I pray for a her death so I can live

Damage so deeply it is a part of my soul

Will this go away before it's too late

Before I get old

If there ever was a Super hero

I hope he can see her behind this exterior that seems so bold

Cause I am in bondage of pain that is becoming a permanent crutch

Cause I have allowed myself to be touched too much....

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

...so I went out last night

So last night I experienced an English poet named Paula Varjack...she is very talented and she had CD's for sale...felt like home..:-)....yep...they where 5 Euros....they I went out to a club here called MC....it was different only in there were more men than women. It was cold and the women where half naked, you could tell who where the "it" men and women, and the music was bumping...get this though...there are sound police that walk around with a mic to see if the sound in the club is too loud...here you can smoke when you are young and drink at 18...like it is okay...they even have Red Light districts.....it's so open in those things that we shunn yet so closed in it's thinking.....interesting

....I am here

Hello family,

I am writing you from Leuven, Belgium....It is still so surreal to say that. I am so thankful at what I have experienced thus far. So that you know, I travel for 16 hours....3 trains and two planes...lol. I have enjoyed the experiences thus far. I have met some pretty awesome people and have seen somethings that are quite interesting. Like in Finland, they have an airline called BLUE 1, and the restroom is called WC (water closet)....and in the Belgium airport, the bathrooms have doors from floor to ceiling so men and women can go into the same bathroom together and it is no big deal.

On to some Blu Truth......

I am so excited to be here, and yet I understand that this is monumental to my own success. I am not trying to pave a way, the way was already made otherwise I would not be here. All the amazing women from my mother to Harriet Tubman all lived their lives in a manner that made me believe that where I am right now is not a fluke or a mistake. This was by design in the tapestry of God. I had to do my part and change my thinking when it came to those things that are possible in my own life. I have upset some people, offended some people, and have been told everything from that I am selfish to I don't love my children. Someone told me that the people crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones that do it. I am guessing with how I see myself in doing this poetry and spoken word is something outside of the box that doesn't really exist. In ideal world, I wouldn't have to worry about my children being separated because one of my baby daddy's wanted to throw his weight around when I left, my son wouldn't be in a position to be made to have to deal with that man's ignorance, my children would have no doubts that I love them and that my actions are not designed to bring them stress, that I do love this man even though I don't think he feels the same way, and that above all others would see the big picture. We don't live in an ideal world, and I don't know if my big picture matters to anyone but me, but it matters. Because it matters to me, eventually...everyone who is really for me and loves me will see it too. Until they...I have to keep working on my big picture just like you have to yours.

You will have those moments like I did....I received a call  that made me not want to get on the plane, because the person who was going to be there for my children found something better to do. Truthfully, I have continually made the mistake of trusting the unworthy because I have some things to work out. Just like I know that I am suppose to be here, things worked out there....so now I am working. Sitting here writing you, working on pieces, and adjusting to a new sleep schedule with a slightly swollen eye due to a fight with a Belgium mosquito...I lost...lol....but I am smiling. I will keep you updated on everything. Videos will be uploaded...we are about to have some serious fun..

Peace & Love
~Blu

Arrogant Moment.....

I HATE LIARS!!!! You told me I wasn't about anything, would be anything, would do anything, wouldn't have anything and me having 6 children would keep me from being wanted. You told me unless I had a flat stomach I wouldn't be sexy. You told me if I did have unblemished skin everyone would see me as tarnished. You told me if I didn't spit a poem to your approval that I would never be a great poet....YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO LIE.....you could have just told me the truth...the real reason you wanted to keep me down was because you saw me passing you...out lasting you...out doing what you claim is your calling because the only thing you are good at is stalling....Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to me....I am the shit and you are the fly that can't leave me....shoo fly and don't bother me...peace