About Blu

My photo
STL, MO, United States
X Blu Rayne is an author, poet, spoken word artist,graphic designer,host writer and motivational speaker. A reflection of God's light and His movement on the face of the storms of life. She is poetry personified....

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

You Choose...pt. 1


So recently I made a decision. I will not tell what it was except to say there is a missing marker in my life. We have cliches to justify what we do in order to minimize our acceptance and responsibility in matters, but I appreciate the strength to say.”I did it.”
There are very few events that occur in your life that someone else made you do. Whether you have a job you hate or in a relationship that is going no were, you are there in that place and in the moment because you choose to be. You complain, cry, kick, and scream, but faithfully go back to that which hurts you to your very soul. You interact with people who drain you, befriend men that will use you, and give all of you away then get mad when you have no return…..choices.
We have to stop blaming people for what we do. I am a single mother. No one made me have my children, I chose to. If it were up to the fathers, they would not be here….I made that decision. I did it. I am responsible for where I am in my life. I will not discount that things have happened to me out of my control, but I am an active contributor in my own present as well as my future.
That is the good part. The realization that I have influence over what I do even in situations that are not in my control. I control what I do, think, and feel in response to what the situation is. The situation does not control more. I also can control the people who come into my life and effect me. I can make moves and control what the universe brings into my life. See the pattern here…it all starts with you. What is it that you have done that you want to do again and better. You can have what you want out of life just make the decision to have it. Make a decision. Make a choice. You choose….

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

You choose...pt.2


I was sitting here thinking about all the times I smiled…like really smiled. Not a smile forced based on a circumstance like getting a gift, but a smile just because I am on this planet. The times I have smiled is when I have done for myself. Now don’t get me wrong, I love gifts, thoughts, kind gestures, and love…..all if that brings a smile to my face. But if those things are not happening I should still be smiling right?
So why do we place so much emphasis and responsibility on someone else for our own happiness. If around us are being mean, disrespectful, wilding out, or just being down on themselves, we let that make our day. Even when someone we love dies, we still have a choice on how we remember them. We can either allow grief to cripple us or celebrate the life and time we had with them. The choice is always and has been and forever will be yours.
Do you understand how much power that gives you? Yes you. Ah, but I get it…on the flip side of that power comes responsibility and accountability. Let’s face it, we are so much better at blaming others for our inability to progress, but that does nothing to make us better. So we stay in a cycle of continual disappointments and failures cause we have yet to understand that when it comes to our lives, we think ourselves into situations. 
…..cont

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

Trusting My Sistas


So I have an issue with trusting women. Most of y'all feel me as sistas. I will never say all sistas are trifling, but I do feel disagreeable with the sistas I have experienced. The crazy thing is that I know we have al been through something as women. We have all had it hard whether with family, friends, church, school, boyfriends, husbands; every black woman has a story. Yet because of my own stories I have a hrad time hearing the hearts of sistas who have hurt me. Not just the talking or lying to thing. I am talking about like helping to destroy me family or believing other people over me and then acting as though they have no remorse.
I know, logically speaking, that the majority of people, women, are hurting themselves. Also the intent is never really to cause pain, it is just a consequence of the action. It is amazing with all this logic I have, I can't trust them no further than I can see them. The worst part is, I have no problem ever speaking to them again nor do I understand the purpose of their existence. I know some of you think really ill of me right now. If you thought I was perfect, you are wrong. If you see me as a leader, I am not going for that position. I can only be the me I am right now. I can change and grow, we all can...it take a journey. I guess the first step is recognizing where you are.
I don't want to stay here and will be surrounding myself with positive sistas. I know no one is perfect. I have never expected perfection, just a basic common knowledge of the fact that we all go through something and it is vital to our success as women being able to work together to not be the cause of each others pain.

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

Monday, April 25, 2011

It is about you


*I come in peace*
How many times do we, women, put blame and shame on our heads when the man in our life leaves, cheats, or abuses us. We say that we must have done or said something to make him “change” (we will get back to this in a minute). That his behavior is a direct reflection of our character and value. I am about to share a summarizing of a conversation with someone whom I respect said to me. This statement is one that will redefine your mindset towards you if you choose to put this in your spirit. Are you ready??? Are you sure??? Cause understand, once you read this you are responsible for your own internal health, growth and well being….ok…..here it is???
“If a man cheats on me, abuses me, disrespects me, it has nothing to do with my value or character. I can only control me and what I do. I am not defined in his actions, but in how I respond to his actions. A man loves a woman. A man cherishes a woman. A man respects a woman. If I am understanding of my true woman value to God and man’s ability to connect to him, I can’t allow my SELF to fall prey to self deception. A boy plays games. A boy needs attention. A boy looks to be taken care of. I must accept my responsibility in exposing my SELF to such a behavior by not seeing the soul of the man. If a man does not love God, he cannot love me. If I do not love myself, I cannot receive love. I must be in love with my SELF, and then I will be trusted by my Creator to receive and recognize such a love that I am in deserving of.”
I know I just said a lot, so let us examine the core of where what we do in relationships start. The first question is clear, how much do you love you? I don’t know a sista that will not say she is keeping it real, that she is 100%, and that she loves herself cause she takes care of her needs. Really? You take care of SELF? Let me explain to you that when I say SELF, I am talking about that inner you, your spirit. I am talking about that you that is blameless, perfect, loving, care, honest, nurturing, giving, and perfect. I am talking about the you that doesn’t need to get her hair done every two weeks to define herself as beautiful. I am talking about the you that has a love of people that is genuine and radiants in their smile. I am talking about that you that has expectations form every black man you come in contact with to respect you, treasure your existence, and uphold your virtue that was stripped when Africa was raped and our queenship was reduced to breeder by the slave master. I am talking about a brother that is aware…awake. Have you been able to identify one as you have been reading this blog? I am sure you have been searching your history to see if you have come across such a person with such a value of a black woman. Unfortunately, the person you are looking for is not the individual you see every day in the mirror…and it should be you. 
You have to love your SELF. You have to value your SELF. You have to appreciate your SELF. In order to do that you have to study YOU. I have neglected me and my life shows it. I would not, if I was aware and loving me, made half of the mistakes that I have made. From personal to professional, my degree of value of me gave others permission to treat me as I treat myself. The creed “do unto others as you would have them to do unto you” and “love thy neighbor as thyself” must have a revision. It should be “do unto your SELF what God does for you so that you can love others and be loved by them” and “love thyself so that you can love and be loved by thy neighbor.” It all starts with SELF.
*I leave you as I came…in peace*

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

Time Traveler's Wife


I went into a store today for batteries and found one of my lost wants in a box staring right at me.  "The Time Traveler's Wife" came out in 2008, and I had wanted to go see it with my then boyfriend. I asked from the time it came out until the time it went to DVD, and all I received in his actions was no. He didn't want to see it with me. No matter how I expressed how I read the book and loved romantic movies, no matter how much I wanted to spend time with him, no matter how important it was to me....it didn't matter to him. So three years later and here I am with the movie in hand. Why? Because I really wanted to see the movie. I had tied so much into seeing it with him that I forgot the original desire had to strictly do with me.

Often times we make plans with people that we never see to completion because we tie it to someone else. We forget that originally, that was our own dream, but because they didn't see it, we aborted our process. I know you might be thinking, Blu, it is just a movie. To me it represents a thought process. One I have had so many times I am finding that I have a lot of unfinished business.

Go back to those places in your life where you have left unfinished business. If it was tied to the individual, let it go. If you find it originated from you and you still want to do it...go for it. Whether it is a movie or a career move...it is time to do you....

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

Cracks in the heart


I remember being 7 years old sitting in a courtroom having to testify against the man who kidnapped and raped me. I was too young to know the words, penis, vagina, sex, anal, oral, masturbation, but they were all implanted in my conscious due to an act that was unwanted and unnecessary. I could not fathom, with my seven year old mind, why all of this was happening. The crazy thing is that no one really explained to me how bad the action was.

No one really said to me, Cynthia, he was not suppose to rape you.....

Every one's life went on as normal and my was forever changed. Grown men looking up my skirt during a friendly game of Twister was not abnormal. Me being fingered in the church van while giving a hand job seemed normal. There was no stopper placed in front of my young developing mind to correct the seed of sex being an involuntary act. Even when I got older, sex was meaningless. I had no morale when it came to it cause none was placed in me. My community, my beautiful black Christian community did nothing but judge me after baby number one came. Made me stand in front of a congregation that knew my story, and yet still has the audacity to call me fast, a whore, slut, and they were doing the same thing....the just killed the evidence....

So here I am...33...6 children....4 fathers.....none of whom I am with....and I get looked at crazy. Am I proud to have had such an unstable teaching of sex that I had multiple sex partners and gave birth to multiple children whom fathers didn't want to raise them with their mother...no.....Am I proud that I made piss poor decisions when it cam to relationships....no....Am I proud that I will, even now, have a self destructive thought of just sleeping with someone....no.

I will tell you what I am proud of, the fact I have made the decision to heal. I did not do this through a local community center, a church, or support group. I did it because a man in a gray jogging suit decided to talk to me about me. His interest in me made me interested in me. Not the me that was rooted in my circumstances, but the the me God created me to be. He took time to look into Cynthia, which made me look into Cynthia. I saw the hurt, the pain, the disappointments, the damage.....but I also saw the potential beauty, the love, the peace, the happiness. Everything that I needed to be me was already there.
For all the wonderful men who have women in their lives who have been abused sexually, understand that she has cracks in her heart. The natural order of what is supposed to be when it comes to intimate relationships was damaged ...unfortunately her attacker may look like you ...a man...a black man...a man who she should have been able to trust. You have taken on a task the weak and unaware aren't able to deal with because it takes a heart to help heal one. She may lash out, you may not be able to touch her a certain way, she may not like certain things, she may go months without touching you, she might be insecure, might cry, might accuse you , might hate you...she might hurt you.... For all of us I want to apologize to you. Love is the one gift we all have to give, yet a damaged heart may be limited, but as it heals...it will get better. I will never suggest to allow her to abuse you, that just justifies her pain and she doesn't need that. I will say just understand and realize that as she is not a car...you can't fix her, but you can help her to heal.
Thank you gray suit...:-)

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved