Why not so Blu

Imagine living your life for years in fear. Imagine losing everything that you loved and needed. Imagine having to start and start a new. Imagine finding out that in what was an almost unbearable situation you found the most important thing in the world…you. That was and is me. In the midst of the most painful time in my life, something beautiful started to arise in me, my true SELF. That me that is perfect and flawless because that is me made by God. 

This story starts, as most stories start for a woman, with a man. One that I loved, but did not love me. One who feel in love with the idea of fixing my circumstances, but ignored me. Since the age of 18, I have been a mom. I will be a mom and eventually a grandmother, but that is an aspect of the woman I am. I am a woman who is a survivor of domestic violence, rape, ridicule, humiliation, and made decisions with permanent consequences. So for any man, to think that loving the mother was loving me, the relationship was doomed from the start.

When I think back to that beginning, I had more based on what my standards of having was at that time. I had a townhouse, job, and car. I also had a church home and now, a man who wanted it all. As many people do, he changed his mind and ended the relationship. After I had fallen in love with him, after the children had decided to call him daddy, after he had professed a new found commitment, he wanted something else.

So here I am. At the time of the breakup, we where living in a hotel, homeless. I had just given birth to a baby boy, his son and could not work. So what Santa brought me Christmas of 2009 was a realization that I was homeless with six children, one being 2 weeks old, no job, no car, no money, and now….no man. I can say with unmitigated gall and pride that I am so very proud of myself. Because I had to go through her to get to me and she refused to die. My break up was the Facebook latest event. His pictures went from the new baby to the new woman, and they, for the sake of argument, was happily ever after. I was broken. My children where broken. He continually validated his reasoning when his actions told us they were lies…so I started to write. I wrote every tear I cried. I wrote every lie he told. I wrote the revelation that they had played me. Friended a woman, by his encouragement, that he left me for. All I could do was write.

We are both poets, so to say that I would have had to see him at poetry sets was a fact. The group of people was small, so every knew or at least I felt like they did. So what did I do, what would you do? I did the only thing my spirit knew to do. I did the only thing that my SELF would allow me to do, I created. I birth my own platform, S.W.A.U. . Spoken Word Addicts Unleashed was birthed into this world January 10, 2010. It is a platform for spoken word artist and poets, but it was made for me to heal me. I created my own saving grace and did not realize that it would later turn me on to my purpose.

There were issues with S.W.A.U., and some where self inflicted. Out of desperation, I allowed my ex to be apart of my platform. Which means she came, so I take responsibility for allowing myself to put me before SELF. That was painful to watch, but I thought it would help me get over things, but we all know that it backfires every time. You can’t tell God how to fix you. If I had been in the habit of giving myself the best, he would not have factored into the equation. I was not handling funds correctly, not being responsible, had to cancel big shows, and eventually, S.W.A.U. stopped becoming a venue and stayed on a piece of paper. 

There is an understanding that if the head is not right, the body is as well. My head was not right. I was still caught up in habits and thoughts that did not give the best to me. I had to come to terms with devastating events in my life; being raped at 6, in an abusive relationship for 7 years, and not having a relationship with any man before 2009 who I did not give myself to physically to feel loved. I had to come to terms with me. I remember looking in the mirror and asking myself who am I and why am I so blue? I was already doing poetry so I had a name, Blu Rayne. I was not sure why I picked it, but it felt right. Sometime between January 2010 and May 2010, things changed within me. It was not known to me as it is now, but my spirit knew that transformation was taking place. I was on the path to making my mark in the world. Finding that place that was created for me to occupy before the beginning of time marked with my “X”. Thus, X Blu Rayne was born…

Now the head is right. On track of understanding who I am, a woman , and what I am, a phenom. More importantly, what I am created and designed to do…heal and renew people’s spirits with the power and gift of words. The beauty is that I already have all the tools that I need to start and with every step I take, doors will be open, connections will be made, and destiny will be fulfilled. January 2010, 01-10 was the first show of the first year. February 2010, 02-20, will be the first show of the second year. Thank God for second chances. 

Guess what, I am without my own home, still do not have a job, still do not have a car, but I have the new perception that I can have all that and then some. That I deserve all that and then some. And if you are wondering, still no man; not yet. Cause “he” deserves a complete woman, and I will be that which I am believing in my heart is what I deserve in a relationship. I love myself as I want him to love me…completely past my flaws to my SELF. Don’t feel sorry for me and don’t think “POOR BLU.” I love parties, but always uninvited myself from the pity ones. I am a testimony of how we can live again. After a break up, after losing everything that keeps us together, and after what we thought to be will not be so, we can still choose to wake up daily. I have smiled with tears running down my cheeks, but I smiled. I laughed with a heavy heart, but I laughed. And what I found was the more I smiled, the less the tears flowed. The more I laughed the lighter my heart became. The more I love me, the more my skies become…blue. 

So when you feel like you can’t make it and that nothing will get better

Think of me

When you feel like giving up

Wait and see

That the best is yet to come

Until you give the best to you…alll not just some

Cause this life is what you make it

And God only wants to give good to you, so go take it

And if someone says how dare you

Ask them why are they not so blu?

Peace and Blessings to you all

~Blu

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

From one single mother to another

I am a single mother and realized single motherhood has nothing to do with the absence of a man, but the inadequate impact of one. You can be married and still be a single mother. If the responsibility of the children are all on you, and he walks around pounding his chest being the “bill payer”, then you are a single mother. Parenthood is about partnership and working together, but I am finding that there is a great majority of men who want the swag of family, the boast ability of having amazing children, and the ability to punch in daily part time. Who fault is this…ladies it is ours. We have allowed ourselves to mate with baby boys and expect then to be men. This is on our heads, so what are you going to do single mommy.

If you are married, hopefully his desire to commit to you will mean that he has concern for the success of the family and understand that you are a huge part of the success and flow of the family. For the rest of you who are living with the “baby daddy”, if he has not shown you that he is willing or able to be a part in parenting, you have to accept his limitations and be willing to do the work to make up for the slack. I am going to offer you some things that you need to do in order to get your life in order to give the best to yourself and your children every day.

                         *Accept that you are a single mother*

There is a sometimes negative association with being a single mother. I hear too many times that a woman can’t do it without a man, well if that was a mentality that men actually had in a larger number, we would have more parents and less single mothers. A single mother is one singular in the active role she has in the child/children’s life.

                    *Drop ALL expectations of him to do ANYTHING*

When I say all, I mean ALL. If all he has been is a check, look for that to stop. If he sees the children when it is convenient, look to have to explain why he is not there. IF he has issues with watching them when you need to do things, look for a babysitter. I understand that you didn’t make then by yourself, but you choose to have a child/children with a man that was not committed to you or a man that has shown his commitment is limited if existent at all when it comes to the child/children.

                         *Organize your life according to what you do*

This is the day you stop making plans based on his participation, assistance, or input. You want him around, I get it. The children want to see him, I understand. My question is why do you leave yourself and your child/children open to hurt. If you are honest, you want him around more than the children do…STOP IT TODAY. You can and will make it without him. You will raise amazing beautiful children without his help. You may have to miss some out time, but you can replace that with family time. You may have to stay up later and get up earlier, but remember you chose this job, and the reward of seeing your child smile when you tuck them in or hear the thank yous and I loves yous for cooking for them and spending time with them is worth it.

                            *Look at all your resources and use them* 

There are SO many agencies and programs out there to help you do better for your children and give more to them. From W.I.C.  to Medicaid, there are resources out there that can help to makeup for any financial support he is not giving. I know that some of you can’t receive benefits because of your income, but there are churches and agencies that can and will help. You have to do the work to find them. Do not let pride or embarrassment keep you from seeking these places out. Sometimes even Superwoman needs, why do you think there was a team of Marvel heroes. It does take a village to raise a child, find out who is in your village and remember to be apart of the village and not just take from it.

I will be periodically speaking on this because I live it. I am a single mother of 6 amazing children. I have had to come to the truth of the decisions that I have made that have gotten me here. I am hoping to help you as a single mother with actual tools and real talk from one single mother to another.

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved

Never stop

There are some many things in life that occur. So many distractions that we can easily give energy to in order to excuse our decisions to not succeed. I know you may not believe this, but I pray that you do. YOU have the POWER to make your life whatever you want it to be. Whether you intetnionally make a decision, you make one. And I have ran into plenty of people that just let life "happen" when I was one of them. Letting things, people, and circumstances dictate my moment to moment and day to day....NO MORE........

I have decided to be that which is in me...a poet, graphic designer, speaker, mother, amazing black woman. I have decided to be it not just by my actions, but my energy, thought life, habits, patterns, smiles, laughter....everything that I am is now me.....and this is only the beginning.

Because now the challenge to be me comes....little things that would normally knock me off my square I kick over to the side. Then things get a little more umph.....I brush that off my shoulders.....and as I move and live through the things that come and continue despite of how I may feel at times....I grow. There is something about starting this process that is addictive.  Growth is addictive...productivity is addictive...cause you are constantly looking for that next high...that next step to that place to where you discover something else wonderful about you, about life, and about God.....

Never stop....I am sorry, but you really can't stop if you tried. You might even say you stopped...you didn't...you just slowed down. Our paces may vary...you will speed up at times, slow down, and even cruise.....but never stop. Keep pressing...your circumstances don't determine your power...your awareness power determines how you choose to view your circumstance.....

You think you have no power...who choose what you wore this morning, what you ate, which way you walked....You may say I have a job, but YOU chose to go to it. You may say I have a family, but YOU chose to engage them. You may say I have responsibilities, but YOU chose to recognize them.....

Never stop being about YOU.......

Peace & Love
~Blu

Copyright © 2011 X Blu Rayne All Rights Reserved